Over the hills and everywhere. Go, tell it on the mountain that Jesus Christ is born.

It’s been running through my head this morning. A good reminder for us all this season to…”Go.” “Tell it.” “Over the hills, and EVERYWHERE.”

Oh that I may be used this Christmas season to share the Love and the Story of Christ…that they might know Him and fall in Love with Him as He so desires. Yep…that’s my wish this Christmas.

Going to meet with a couple this weekend that are moving to NYC to reach the peoples of over 800 languages…wow. I’m excited to discuss their plans while there and how I may be of some use to them here. Maybe through prayer, maybe through short term trips, maybe something else. But…I’m excited.

Merry Christmas, early. Go tell it on the mountain…

Well, I’m not sure why but I’ve been inspired to try to be more consistent with this thing called blogging. Now granted, I don’t have much time. I’m not very disciplined with anything. And I may be changing this “blog” into a real professional website soon. But regardless…a girl can hope can’t she?

Speaking of hope, the pastor at South Roebuck Baptist tonight (the mother church of the church plant I attend on Sunday mornings) taught on hope. He said of hard situations, in life, work, love, etc…”accept and trust.” I thought, “Man…I don’t want to accept. I’ll trust Him every moment, but I don’t want to accept.” That’s a bit of an oxymoron isn’t it?

Christmas season is coming. I’m excited but…melancholy too. It would be so nice to have family around during this season. It’s hard to be “away.” I am super thankful for the friends here though…Sarah, Melynda, Nush, Holly and others. If it weren’t for them…I’d be pretty miserable. Oh, Burin’s my buddy too. He’s been a sick pup recently though…many illness issues and LOTS of money at the vet. Makes me wonder…am I THAT bad of a mommy? I’m kinda worried! Hope this doesn’t happen if I ever have a real child.

That’s all for now. Maybe I’ll get myself organized more soon and have a theme. A purpose. A reason for writing. For today….this is all there is.

Hopeful.

“Being in love,” C.S. Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity, “is a good thing, but it is not the best thing…You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still just a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all…In fact, the state of being in love usually does not last…But of course ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.

“Love…is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God…They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep their promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

Good….

So…here’s the deal. My brain, it’s sometimes crazy. A little loopy. Superbly imaginative. And never sleeps. Well sometimes, but while I’m awake, it’s running non-stop. Usually on one thing at a time, focused and repetitive until I “find an answer.” And if I don’t find an answer, well….

Love. That’s the topic today. Most days I guess, as a single girl who longs for a husband and family…some day.

I’ll be blunt and open. I’ve had two boyfriends. A few “interests” along the way, but only two “real” ones. And, they were both mistakes. Now I’m not saying God hasn’t taught me loads from those mistakes…but I’m also not saying they were easy or pain free.

I was thinking this week, “How do I know that a relationship is from the Lord?” My previous mishaps were clearly not from Him. I entered into them because I wanted to be with someone. I liked the guy, he liked me and bing-bang-boom there you go.

After those relationships started I started praying. Praying I would do “right” in the relationship and that God would lead and bless the relationship, even though it was rather clear from the beginning that it wasn’t right. The first boy (from high school) wasn’t even a believer when we started dating. Mistake #1. Should not have gone any further. Obviously.

So, today I’m wondering. How does any Christian girl know that it’s not her heart and emotions driving the entering into a relationship and how is she clearly guided by the Lord opening the door? Won’t it always involve emotions, attraction, heart?

I guess since I’m not at that point yet, not married, not even dating…maybe that’s why it’s all a bit confusing at this point.

I know one day it will be clear.

Learning (or trying to learn) patience along the way.

One thing I am sure of…my Father loves me more than any man could. My Father fills the void that no man could ever fill. My Father satisfies far beyond a man could ever satisfy me. My Father knows whats best, and His timing is clearly best. I will wait and rest in that. And if some day the Lord brings along “the one,” I’m sure He’ll make it painfully obvious that it’s right.

So, I guess I’m answering my own question.

Silly brain.

It’s been one year since I’ve returned to the US of A. Even now sitting here, thinking of how to “capture” this moment, I’m a bit dumbfounded. It honestly doesn’t feel as though it’s been a full year, but rather 3 or 4 months.

SO much has happened, changed, transferred, stopped and started in this past year. It’s hard to remember it all…my life has changed, that’s for sure, more than just my “home” changing.

The most important lessons learned? Forgiveness. Trust in the Father. Accepting and understanding His protection. Strength in today. Loving the people where God has me. Holding on to memories but not dwelling in the past. Fighting to remember a language. Seeking His will in each moment. Retracing steps to keep on the right path.

It’s been a full 365 days.

I’ve readjusted to American food, so I no longer have to eat rice everyday (eventhough I’d be ok with that). I’ve relearned English (still learning it). I’ve gotten/kept an American job for over 6 months. I’ve moved homes and have lived in my own American apartment (by myself but thank heavens with Burin, my pup). I’ve tried to find a new church. I’ve met Thai people and tried to consistently form relationships with them and show them the love of Christ. I’ve wept for Thailand. I’ve longed to return overseas. I’ve learned that God has a place and timing for me here. I’ve learned the importance of good/close friendships. I’ve prayed a lot.

And all this not by “my” doing but only by God’s grace, patience and help. And all this, not completed yet. It’s a “process.”

Now is the phase of waiting, praying, trusting. I’m not sure what the Lord has planned for me in the future. Not sure what His purposes are for me this minute. Not sure if I’ll be overseas ever again or maybe in Birmingham the rest of my life. But the beauty in that (eventhough it’s also a bit difficult) is that in the end, God will be magnificently glorified. In the end, when I look back and see all the intricate details of His plan, all the protection, all the creativity…it will be so clear that it was God and not me that was in control.

Thankful today for all that the Lord has provided for me and His encompassing protection.

Ready for the next year…and I’m confident God’s got amazing things ahead.

~You cannot lose My love…

This is going to be a mess. A journal…that’s what it’s become…forgive me “readers,” you’re gonna get a mouth full this time.

Here I am in Birmingham. I have no idea why…but I am. It’s been hard here, recovering, healing, changing, adjusting, finding new friends, eating new foods, remembering English…I feel like a foreigner in so many ways. And to add? Another new place I’ve never been before. Wow…I can already see how God is totally taking me places I would have never thought before, not just places, but phases. Single, 8-5 job (more like 7-6), a place where no friends or family live (well, no friends when I first got here at least). Not really something I’d ever imagine myself doing, or some place I’d expect myself to be.

Aching for the unusual. The foreign. The passionate. The need. The dirt. The language I don’t understand. The funny smells. Sure, Birmingham has a little of all of that, but it’s just not quite the same. It’s hard to explain I suppose.

But I’m surviving. Every day God gives me a little peace, a little encouragement. Like a rainy and cool Saturday with NO PLANS! Hallelujah! Work has been busy, life. It’s crazy busy. No time for even journaling really, so here I am. Using my blog. Again, I’m sorry readers.

I’ve visited some churches here, but none seem to quite fit. I do miss my small house church back in Thailand. Yup, sure do. Churches here are HUGE and on every corner…I feel quite out of place in them…but I’m sure I’ll adjust over time. That’s me, the queen of adjusting.

Co-workers are great. I have to admit, I’m lucky. They’ve kept me busy with picture-taking.

And inspiring words have come from friends and favorite song writer’s…

“Then I could see as time passed by that I grabbed on to what wasn’t mine and what I WANTED, but what wasn’t given to me from God. And also I saw how I put ALL MY HOPE into that relationship, so shaky, grounded only in our emotions and desire to be together because we both had been so lonely…So I knew I had to continue waiting. Through the pain of longing for partnership. Through loneliness. Through memories and dreams not fulfilled…One step at a time. One day at a time. Grieve it all. Cry. Pray. Eat. Draw. Take your beautiful pictures. And look at the sky. See the beauty. And remember that is the beauty God sees in you, because He made you.

Everything passes. This too shall pass. Live it, Neisha.”

and…

“It’s sweeter to trust Jesus when you’ve nothing to give or say.”

and…

“Lord deliver me from me. Lord deliver me to You. Lord deliver me from the desire to be noticed, loved, exalted, favored, popular or acknowledged. Lord deliver me from the fear of being wronged, forgotten or ignored. Lord deliver from me. Lord deliver me to You.”

and…

“Like I’m playing in the mud when I’ve never seen the big sea, I stay here in the slums when there are waves. I ask for deliverance from things of the skin. Here’s the soul, give it hope again.”

and…

“And there is grace. Grace to be just where I am. Grace to make mistakes and then grace to get back up again.”

…

Day by day, moment by moment really…we (I) have to seek Him, His comfort alone, love more than loved, and press on…even in the mundane, in the hard, in the heartbreaking. That’s our task…but He’s our helper. Just gotta use Him, trust Him, seek Him. I’m preaching to myself, seriously. Seriously.

And another day dawns. The grass grows. The sun comes up. The air is clean and crisp, and God has great plans for us (me).

Another co-worker let me be a part of her engagement. See? Hope for the future. Something around the corner that is good and beautiful and something God created. We are blessed to be His children.

And I got to go to Secret Church at The Church at Brook Hills with David Platt leading the way. It was encouraging.

So here I sit, in my red la-z-boy, quilt on my lap under my laptop, coffee mug resting by my side…

“Here’s the soul, make it holy again. Here’s the soul, give it hope again. Here’s the soul…”

I’m here.

More to come. I promise.

It’s true. I almost forgot my password to log into my blog. That is just sad.

Here it is…close to midnight I guess. And I’m…I…I can’t sleep. Sure, it’s probably from the two cups of coffee I had earlier with my two pieces of chocolate cake and confetti icing…but hey…that’s alright. It’s worth it.

I’ve neglected writing. Why? No reason, no excuse. But really, who’s reading this anyway? No one probably…since I’ve not written in over 3 months. Pathetic.

I’ve gotta say…life’s been hard. Not that it’s not hard all the time, but it’s been especially hard the last 4 months or so. Broken hearts, plans shattered, cold winters, gray days, fights with family, no hope. Rough.

Looking back, from a perspective in better days, I can honestly say I was in a valley. A low low valley.

There’s only one reason I’m out now.

God.

Mercy.

Grace.

Love.

Patience.

Ok, so that’s more than one reason…but it all stems from One. The Only One. I’m thankful today…it’s raining outside and as the water brings life and freshness to the ground here in Birmingham…so the Lord refreshes me daily. I’ve had hard times, I’ve failed Him. I’ve lost my way…haven’t we all at some point. But praise be to God…I have God…God in my life. Praise Him for His continual love and mercy and comforting hands, that take my hand and tell me without any words, “It’s gonna be ok. I’ve planned every day and every step for you and I know what’s next.”

Comfort. And fear at the same time, I say aloud, “And fear”…because I feel it, even in the comfort…if that makes any sense at all.

Looking forward (sigh) to better and better and newer and grander and wonderful-er days. Because the best is yet to come (as Michael Buble sings) and my God’s a big God who hasn’t abandoned me, who hasn’t forgotten, and wants to bless me as His obedient child. So here I come.

It’s a new day.